River Tam’s Diary
by RomanceGuru
Summary: New entry: River Tam’s Diary VIII, Dreaded V. PreRayne. River has a blind date. From the sweet, disillusioned mind of River Tam, Bridget Jones style.R&R.:
1. Chapter 1

Title: River Tam's diary

Disclaimer: Joss is boss & Helen Fielding is a goddess.

Notes: Taken from the beginning of BJD, and Rayneified.

Summary: I decided to continue with the Bridget Jones/ Rayne ficlets. I just could resist!

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Dairy of River Tam

Assassin & lunatic

Dec 17th 2517

Incoherent ramblings 4

Private thoughts read 26

Day's off medication 15

I resolve to be less digressive and speak in complete sentences.

Secondly, will try to abstain from reading crewmates thoughts, especially those more intimate in nature.

-Note to self, look up the proper function of bondage.

Equally important, find a sagacious man who has no problem with a cracked girl who knows the location of all 107 vital points on the human body, and can employ a fatal strike with deadly efficacy.

-Must remember not to bring that up during dinner. 

Still working on appropriate dinner conversation topics,

apparently transcription of mortality is not wildly popular.

Will not fall for any of theses attributes in the male species: Narcissist's, workaholics, commitment-phobes, mama's boys, psychopaths, megalomaniacs, or perfidious sex addicts.

Moreover, will NOT fantasize about a particular mercenary who embodies all of these things.

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	2. Chapter 2

Title: River Tam's Diary II

Author: Romanceguru

Disclaimer: Joss is boss, and Helen Fielding is a Goddess.

Rating: Pg-13

Summary: Just what does a crazy girl have to do to get some answers?

Notes: More in tradition with the novel this time around. Takes place AU between Series and BDM. Crack? Maybe. Unbeta-d. There is no order to this insanity!

This is for Karanina who requested a few more day's in the life of River Tam!

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River Tam's Diary

Delusional & Misunderstood

Tuesday Sept. 23rd 2517

_Pgs torn from Preacher man's symbol 14, edited pgs replaced 27, (Elucidation necessary for theoretical unfeasibility that earth-that-was subsisted in 7 days) Days on alternative medication 1 (v.v. bad)._

Should not have bit Jayne and accused him of being a Reaver. Must work on discerning dream state continuum from conscious reality. Afraid I have heightened ape-man's fear of me. Wonder if he would find the soup-in-the hair-thing amusing like Wash? Better not chance it. Will take more subtle approach to avoid excessive anger. Erratic behavior is only charming based on the disposition of subject.

1500 hrs. Just woke up from medicated induced nap. Dark men in shadows hovering, whispering. Oh, god, why must I dream? Why must I be made to sleep? If Simon would just listen, I would not be forced to empty the entire contents of breakfast onto the floor. I told him the walls have ears and the girl cannot be made to forfeit to the yen. They all look at me like an anomalous child.

1900 hrs. Feeling much better. Went to dinner, ate, laughed and functioned like a normal girl. Ape-man took the farthest seat from me and kept all appendages from my vicinity. What a baby. Told him that I only took to red meat during full moon. He just looked at me apprehensively and retreated elsewhere with his meal. Some people have no sense of humor.

2200 hrs. Humph. Found ape-man in cargo bay. Conversation went like this.

"Tit for tat." I offered.

"Ya best keep yer distance crazy, yer up the pole. I ain't gonna hold back this time if'n you get rabid."

"Have put the teeth away. It is safe. There was slight confusion, she understands now that you are not a ferocious cannibal."

"Just stay back."

"Want to offer the chance for retribution."

"Retra… What? Is that some sorta payment?"

"Bite me." I held my wrist out to him as penitence.

"No ruttin' way! Yer loonier than them drunken yokels back on Harvest."

I stepped closer, thrusting my exposed skin in his face. "Pound of flesh?" I smiled encouragingly as he looked from my wrist to my face contemplating my offer for a brief moment before roughly pushing my arm away.

"Like I said, bats fer brains." Then he stomped off.

Hmm. Seemed logical. Why do I feel that I am not taken seriously? Think I will go investigate Inara's linens again.

2300 hrs. I'm all alone, cannot sleep and nobody wants to bite me. Inara told me why her coverings smell funny. Fornication. Will have to investigate this phenomenon further. Will go ask preacher man what he thinks on the subject.

23:14 hrs. I'm back. Did not go as expected. Preacher man turned red and started speaking in biblical terminology. I went next to C. Daddy's bunk to inquire but he became flustered and pushed me from his quarters. He must be a virgin as well. Will ask Inara to help him out tomorrow.

0500 hrs. (v. late) Hurrah! Just got back from ape-man's bunk. Appealed for help in understanding the ways of the flesh. Resisted at first, but apparently the removal of garments abetted situation. Early preliminary findings suggest further experimentation (although first encounter v. agreeable). Explosive response from mercenary indicates additional testing will be welcome. Am wanton sex goddess!

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	3. Chapter 3

River Tam's Diary

Obsessive & Psychotic

Saturday Dec. 2nd 2517

_Words, feelings and visions inundating my mind 247, Coherent thoughts 10, those successfully communicated 3 (better), minutes spent thinking about ape man 667 (bad, but not self's fault as he has been shirtless)._

Ok. Today is Inara's annual guild masquerade ball. Am going to work on clear set of objectives. Soon. Will just watch ape man store cargo first. Research reasons only.

Is finished.

1. Will not go crazy or play with foodstuffs.

2. Aim to not slip into a murderous trace and take out whole room of party goers.

Hmmm. Ape man has returned. Will think of more later.

3. Put social skills learned from Kaylee (not C. Daddy) into action.

4. Be polite and dance with every gentleman that asks, i.e. make ape man seethe in jealousy.

5. Hmm. Must first get ape mans attention. Will wear provocative whoring attire.

6. Make predacious advances; men like aggressive women.

7. # 6 Will not work. Aggressive behavior has previously put ape man on the defensive.

Oh. God. Do not want to attend formidable social outing. Cannot make me. Put me in chains, do not surrender me to martyrdom. We're all doomed.

0200 hrs. Back from scary normal people party. Things did not go as designed.

Nts. List of objectives pointless given multitude of outside deciding factors.

Looked stunning in Kaylee's frilly, pink hoop dress (Simon made me change out of Inara's bedroom attire). All eyes were on me smiling and whispering.

Ape man looked cute in formals, albeit he was cursing like a sailor and threatening the captain's life the entire night.

Implemented various flirting tactics but only succeeded in having a. man look at me funny and inform Simon, " that the moon brains eye is'll twitchy like." He then told my _ge ge_, "ya'd better get the _feng le _girl outta here before she goes'll woolly on everyone."

Humph! Honestly. You'd think a man with that much experience could take a hint.

Attempt #2. Also unsuccessful. I relayed to him that "maidens symbolized tradition and I was a free sprit. Proper order of things reversed as such and would he like to spin." He told me to "speak ruttin' English already an' ta not stand so close 'cause 'someone' (as in women not me) might get the wrong 'pression an' think we's was together." He went on to say that he was "aimin' on 'least getting' lucky if'n he had to suffer through this 'fair."

V. fed up. Wanted only to dance. Also, why does everyone insist that I speak English? My English is just fine. I am a gorram genius after all.

Did not make third attempt for a. mans affections due to startling news. Dress was not being revered but scoffed at. Evidently, not only was it store bought but was also deemed "so 2516".

Upon hearing upsetting news, was almost successful at removing dreadful garb when C. Daddy freaked. Is v. confused. Would he rather I suffer public humiliation and be laughing stock of social gathering?

Apparently, I am no longer allowed to attend stuffy, fancy events or any large public congregation for that matter.

A. man smirked at me the whole way back. Suppose removal of clothing had been the golden ticket all along. Always loathed formalities anyhow.

He leaned over and thanked me for "gettin' 'im outta that square-ass place," and said, "mebbe yer alright after'll."

Must not read into things. Can be patient. Hmmm…Will wait to move my things into a. mans bunk tomorrow.

Oh. BTW C. Daddy is not a virgin but rather has intimacy issues and suffers from holding to the _puer archetype_ which inhibits him from communicating openly about things of a sexual nature. Inara's words, not mine.


	4. Chapter 4

Title: River Tam's Diary IV, Mother-to-Be.

Author: Romanceguru  
Disclaimer: Joss is boss and Helen Fielding is a Goddess.  
Rating: PG-13 for sexuality

Pairings: Jayne/River, or so she hopes.  
Summary: I always wondered what would have transpired (during the deleted pillow stuffing scene in Firefly, "Mrs. Reynolds") if River had propositioned marriage to Jayne rather than Simon. Thought I'd explore this through River Tam's Diary.  
Notes: Sporadic journal entries. Much love always to elsibet34

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River Tam's Diary

Crazed teen & forsaken single mother

Sunday May. 2nd 2517

_Pregnancy tests stolen from infirmary 1, Medication units 0 (synthetic chemicals harmful for unborn fetus), Rolls swiped from Jayne 3 (eating for two now)._

All of them are blind as bats. _Chiroptera, _eutherian mammals. They can't see her for what she really is, a burglar, a pickpocket, and a highwayman. A redheaded pretender of seduction. She wishes to use distraction to dupe the others, lead us into peril. If they could just unbar their eyes and sense her danger. Warrior woman understands.

Femme fatale with many aliases, recognized by none of truth. She plays on their desires, C. Daddy's ache, funny man's domestic hunger, and Goliath's shallow folly. Everyone's seeking and longing to become habitually paired, while I'm always on the outside, listening and watching. They would rather cohabitate with her.

I can be matronly. A loving wife worth the trade of one Callahan full-bore auto lock. I am a weapon possessing many qualities. Other than my inability to cook, clean, behave rationally and perform basic self-care tasks, I would make the perfect companion. I have stories.

I wish to be married and copulate as well. Will choose the largest and most fit of species as potential partner. Natural selection.

1900 hrs. Hmmm. Believe I'm with child. A tiny seed growing inside, feeding off of my life force. The scientific probability for fertilization: 15, 934,000.00 to 1.

Immaculate Conception or a spontaneous fling? Must be the latter. The former is implausible. Akin to something out of preacher man's symbol. Possibility generative excursion was lost in tangle of chaotic memories. Pity. Would like to have remembered that.

Found preacher making traitor's bed, and as she would not be sleeping in it, I concluded the endeavor pointless. Took the pretty pink pillow after my mission as it was needed. Educational tool for future mate.

Coincidently located said lover as I was leaving guest quarters. Grabbed his hand to claim ownership. He, in return, growled at me and aggressively jerked his hand back. This behavior is common during the mating ritual. "What the hell are ya doin?" He bellowed at me. I rolled my eyes. He doth protest too much, I think.

Preacher man ratted me out, apropos the bed messing, but my suitor didn't seem to care. Mumbled something along the lines of "Yeah, well, 'long as she stays out o' my room."

My baby kicked right then. Like the flutter of a butterfly, but assertive. She's feisty, just like her parents. Realized then we had to be wedded promptly. Must establish stable family environment before she arrives. No time for mating dance. "It's not important!" I exasperated. "Tell him." I urged the killer-man mercenary, my betrothed.

"Come again?" He answered, staring at me, dumbfounded. Believe I am already fond of that manifestation. The look of utter perplexity. Men are so forgetful. Heedless and droll.

"We want you to marry us." I informed the preacher man.

The big bad killer man turned pale. Pallid, sallow, pasty. I prefer pink, or perhaps red. Definitely red. "Whahuh? No ruttin' way! Yer cracked, girl!" He spat.

Shock and disdain, also adorable expressions.

I smiled very sympathetically. Not everyone understands me. So I explained further. "Two by two. Everyone has a mate, a match, a dopple. Breed now, learn to love one another later."

"Nuh uh. No ruttin' way, crazy. Don't git hitched ta no lil' girls." He then addressed preacher, "She's nuttier than a Christmas fruit cake."

I kicked him for that one. Knocked me up and now he's retracting, feigning indifference! I'm at height of full hormonal maturity and not little, nor girl. My biological clock has been in succession for 489 days 13 hours and 5 minutes. Tick tock.

"OW! Gorramit!" Giant man grabbed his leg and hopped around a little before muttering, "Crazy an' violent."

Um. Not so tough. V. interesting.

They didn't seem to understand. Needed to reiterate my point. "The captain took a wife…"

"Well, that's also complicated." The preacher man argued. Rather poorly I might add. The whole process is fairly simple. Rings and I do's or flower wreaths and wine. Choose preferred method and be wed.

The merc for hire, turned, bought and paid for, continued to protest. "Don't right know where yer gettin' yer _feng le _ideas, girl, but…"

I cut him off right there. All further protests irrelevant. Must make him understand my worth. Barter the bartered.

"We'll take care of each other. I'll knit." I encouraged hopefully. Used doe eyes and batty lashes as I have seen them work for Kaylee. He did not seem impressed.

Oh, god. V. frightening realization. Maybe I look portly now that I'm with child. Young person is already putting a damper on our intimacy! "You no longer find me sexually desirable!" I cried out. I wanted to run away and begin the process of adapting to life as a forsaken single mother.

No, must be strong, I reasoned internally. Neglectful father has the right to be informed of gravidity.

At that moment, the captain came down with the siren. It was horrible. Don't they know she screams trouble? Called her out by her true name, thief. The others were dismissive, defensive. Seem to think my advice is unsound. Well, they will see.

I ignored the captain's feminist speech and proceeded to stuff the pillow up my shirt. V. curious to see how I will look rounded and complete. Wonder if I'm glowing.

They left shortly after, and I paid them no heed. Finally, some alone time. I was almost giddy. Can now divulge yummy secret. I found my fiancée looking at me oddly. I smiled beatifically at him as so he could not resist. "We _have_ to be married." I placed my hands lovingly on the simulated belly. "I'm in the family way."

He was rather quiet after that, shook his head and walked away. I believe he has come to accept the paternal title. With proper training, I believe I can break the mustang into a loyal workhorse.


	5. Chapter 5

Notes: Written for Elsibeth34 who fancied this little plot "bunny".

There was some confusion to the order of the entries since they are written sporadically. From now on also I'll provide them in historic order by date on the top of journal entries.

_River Tam's Diary Sunday, March 3rd 2517_

_River Tam's Diary IV, Mother-to-Be Sunday May. 2nd 2517_

_River Tam's Diary V, Tarts and Mercenaries Tuesday July 2nd 2517_

_River Tam's Diary III, Bell of the ball Saturday Sept. 23rd _

_River Tam's Diary II, Am wanton sex goddess Tuesday Dec. 2nd 2517 _

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River Tam's Diary

Aspiring tart

Tuesday July 2nd 2517

_Intensive soup-based hair treatments 5, Total # of times read Simon's journal 20 (mines better), erotic dreams Jayne unintentionally experienced staring me 3, (Hooray!)._

He doesn't see me. I'm a trite little ant scurrying, scampering, trying not to be stepped on. Squish.

I need to be bigger, larger than life. Or perhaps just larger than a bug. Something furry and warm, something he wouldn't be frightened of. Crazy girls who scream insanities frighten even the most callous of mercenaries. Tested and proven fact.

Think, think, think. What would pacify the lion? A lamb? No, not soft enough. A domestic feline? No, they can gouge eyes and steal breath. Will not help facilitate non-lethal manifestation. Need something more innocuous.

0900 hrs. Just returned from stealthy research mission via ape man's bunk. Found massive material guides and recovered perfect paradigm for inspiration. Seems the man is a connoisseur of female form.

Pictures contain an emblem of unity, logo of sorts. Seems somewhat silly, but if that's what he likes, I will do my best to become the materialization he desires.

1200 hrs. Hooray! Turns out I am master seamstress.

1207 hrs. Crud. Tried on magnum opus and found it lacked adequate covering. Having slight panic attack. Oh God, cannot regress now. So close to perceptible goal!

1300 hrs. Ok. Feeling much better now. Read Simon's journal again and realized the kid has more issues than I.

Offered him some of my medication, but he did not take kindly to me chasing him around the infirmary with a sharp needle. Humph. Less he knows how I suffer!

Decided I must be a brave soul and sacrifice modesty for the greater good of love and the luring in of the unattainable.

2300 hrs. Aargh. My logic always seems infallible, why must it never pan out? Cannot believe what I've been through today.

Found intended preparing supplements with preacher man in the place of common gathering.

Before I let mammal-self be known, I reached up to make sure false ears were securely in place. Felt bare with out the protective covering of mane, but decided it would be best to alter appearance and try not to look like the girl. Nothing says sophisticated vixen more than a pony-tail and fluffy bunny tail.

Pushing my shoulders back, I confidently strutted in the room and wiggled my asset for good measure. I smiled as ape-man's head turned and followed me as I made my way to the table. Casually, I took a seat and raised my eyes to two very shocked expressions. I am visionary genius.

"Oh, my. _River_…" Began the preacher with question, barely able to form the words.

Ape-man's eyes were shining with amusement. "Moony looks like a piece o' trim!" He exclaimed as he set down his cooking instruments in order to have a better look. "Hurry, git the girl's brother in here right quick. No ruttin' way he should miss this!"

I narrowed my eyes on the laughing man, who was holding his gut as if to keep everything from spilling.

Preacher man left and returned hastily with the clomp, clomp of boots in tow. They all hung back at the entrance, staring in shock. I smiled innocently. Maybe _they _would appreciate my efforts. "I'm a bunny."

Simon, his hand covering a gaping orifice, stepped into the room and came over to me. "Yes, I can see that River. The question is why?"

Kaylee followed in, sat down next to me, and also lowered her hand from her mouth. "You look…adorable." She said uncertainly.

"She looks like a gorram prostitute." Ape-man confirmed, and then he guffawed. His large back was to me now, giving all my hard earned attention away to the foodstuffs.

Well, that _was_ the idea, I thought glumly. However, this was _not _theanticipated reaction. V. bad. He was supposed to become overwrought with desire and confess his furtive, undying love to me.

I stood up, determined, and made my way over to the person _not staring at me with longing _as captain in charge began to speak. "You have anything to do with this Inara? Girl raid your whorin' costumes, perhaps?"

"Please, Mal. This is no time to be your normal, thinks he's charming but couldn't be farther from the truth, self." Inara then gave C. daddy a look that could kill.

Standing as close as I could to the primitive beast, I smiled glowingly up at him. He in turn took a few sidesteps away, so naturally, I scooted with him.

"Mei mei, get away from him!" I could hear my brother's warning like the distant buzzing of an annoying fly. I chose to ignore him as I spoke to my ardor. "Rabbits mate at a very hyper-active speed."

Wide blue eyes in my direction. Yesss! Can stun even the foulest of mouths. We are a match made in heaven. "The male of the species are polygamists." I continued and then raised myself up to whisper very seductive like in his ear. "Let you play with my tail if you reconsider your mating habits."

I could feel his eyes appreciate my backside as he leaned back from the counter to take a peek at said offer. His contemplation was interrupted by the loud and obtrusive. "Jayne, there a reason your eyes are fixed so intently on the girl's backside?"

"Ya mean other than the fact that there's something fuzzy suck too it?" He responded.

Transfixed by my offer, he reached out and impulsively pinched the thing as his hand was quickly slapped away by the overprotective. Aargh. C. Daddy has to ruin everything! Think I will consider emancipation.

"River, sweetie, come, let's get you dressed." Inara said as she reached her hand out to me. I took her hand complacently as I realized plans to woo merc were undoubtedly failing.

I looked back over my shoulder to find lustful eyes still glued to my hindquarters. A heated chill coursed through my blood at the possibility of achievement.

A tiny seed planted in a fertile mind can blossom in to a wondrous thing. As I followed Inara out, I began to contemplate what other costumes might spark interest.

I turned to my matronly-like friend, eyeing her silky, rich garb and boasted a thought. "I would like to trade garments."

She smiled a sweet smile and patted my bare shoulder. "I'm afraid I'm not as adventurous as you, honey. Though, I do admire your spirit."

I pulled on her hands, leading her away from the direction of my room, persuading her toward her shuttle instead. "You don't understand. I have to get him to see me. Bright colors attract."

Her face looked confused, somewhat bewildered. "Attract whom, River?"

"Secret." I cocked my head and smiled brightly, the fluttery feeling returning to my insides. "We'll be like Romeo and Juliet. When he tires of the Roselyn's." I explained.

Forbidden romances historically prove to be more passionate. I'm determined to keep this a surreptitious love affair.

"Make me a doppelganger." I urged. She just looked at me and sighed. "Well I suppose it would be better than what you have on. Moreover, it would further anger Mal, and that is always a bonus. Come, let's see what we can find."

I followed behind giddily as whips of material tickled my stocking-covered shins. "You must also make me look painted." I announced. "He prefers them masked."

A very aghast face turned back to me, all-knowing of my secret. Oops.


	6. Chapter 6

Notes: This entry is just post BDM. Betaed by my Gandalf,

Elsibet34.

Chronological order:

_River Tam's Diary Sunday, March 3rd 2517_

_River Tam's Diary IV, Mother-to-Be Sunday May. 2nd 2517_

_River Tam's Diary V, Tarts and Mercenaries Tuesday July 2nd 2517_

_River Tam's Diary III, Bell of the ball Saturday Sept. 23rd _

_River Tam's Diary II, Am wanton sex goddess Tuesday Dec. 2nd 2517 _

_River Tam's Diary V, New Year's Resolutions _Monday Jan. 1st 2518

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River Tam's Diary

Reinvented

Monday Jan. 1st 2518

**I WILL NOT**

Physically incapacitate brother regardless of any life altering secrets that may be burning my brain with horrifying truths.

Crash Serenity, as it would disprove worth as capable pilot.

Relapse.

Dress whoreishly to hold man-child's attention. Must remain dignified and lure intended with smarts rather than visual stimuli.

Stand or hang from dangerous heights.

Elude medication by stashing syringe supply in out-going cargo.

Behave oddly around ship. Crazy gets old fast.

Overreact to massive amounts of untamed hair.

Interpret things so literally. Must leave room for metaphorical analysis.

Scream.

Perform field research on sexual mating habits of fellow crewmates by cleverly and unobtrusively spying. Especially on self's own brother.

Hit, slash, bite, grab, impale, constrict or debilitate ape-man with heavy objects as he finds this behavior off-putting and detrimental to male ego.

Lay in the middle of walkway. Can be considered serious fire hazard.

Fling gruel across room and onto mess wall no matter how interesting resulting patterns may look.

Hang back in corners of ship and stare at individuals for abnormal amounts of time. Also, shadows give the misapprehension of creepiness.

Communicate with self in public.

Obsesses about a particular emotionally unavailable person as is pathetic to have crush on Neanderthal.

Sulk about having no life mate, but develop emotional and mental stability and perfect illusion of cold indifference, complete _without_ male subspecies, as best way to obtain mate.

**I WILL**

Use newly discovered lethal manifestation of self to help aide and abet crew in all heroic and criminal endeavors.

Try to stop speaking and writing in fragmented sentences. Tomorrow.

Allow myself to be temporarily pacified by intravenous cocktails, as I am much more pleasant to be around in a drug-induced stupor.

Practice consistent grooming habits.

Not play with guns.

Eat more foodstuffs to alter waif-like appearance.

Learn the physics of ice planet consumption.

Be less passive.

Be more positive.

Make better use of muddled genius.

Be less of an outsider by participating in crew bonding time, i.e. athletics, divulgence, defamation, dipsomania and gambling.

Not forget Simon's birthday.

Not skim through other's thoughts, as they are private and somewhat disturbing.

Learn how to cook and become culinary mastermind.

Sleep less to dream less.

Not allow imagination to take over and wander into perilous situations.

Dance freely about to the music coursing through my veins and ignore disparaging glances by unadventurous and somewhat jealous individuals.

Learn to completely dress one's self.

Start intensive drug therapy program for both Inara and C. daddy, as they are both emotionally moribund.

Return all of ape-man's (provisionally misplaced and not stolen) belongings.

Ignore the voices.

Get them to view me as a functioning adult and woman (not girl) capable of self-sufficiency, stability, modesty and reliance.

Wear shoes.

Think of clever and not freakishly morbid anecdotes to share at dinner.

Someday aspire to be the captain of Serenity.


	7. Chapter 7

Chronological order:

_River Tam's Diary Sunday, March 3rd 2517_

_River Tam's Diary IV, Mother-to-Be Sunday May. 2nd 2517_

_River Tam's Diary V, Tarts and Mercenaries Tuesday July 2nd 2517_

_River Tam's Diary III, Bell of the ball Saturday Sept. 23rd _

_River Tam's Diary II, Am wanton sex goddess Tuesday Dec. 2nd 2517 _

_River Tam's Diary V, New Year's Resolutions Monday Jan. 1st 2518_

_River Tam's Diary VII, Truth & lies Wednesday Feb 12th 2518_

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River Tam's Diary

Teller of falsehoods

Wednesday Feb 12th 2518

_95lbs, meds 800mg lithium, kills 0, minutes spent imaginarily confessing unspoken feelings to ape-man 237 (good, better)._

I thought the printed page could offer solace to my scattered thoughts. They are drowning in an abyss of confusion. Cannot remember which is factual or a product of alternate reality.

Now there is documentation of my insanity. Proof of what they want me to be. I should burn it all. Sit by the light of the fire and let it warm my dead flesh as my life turns to ash.

**Midnight. **Got in trouble for playing with fire today. Apparently, was not alone during attempt to dispose of works of fiction.

I held the match before my eyes, lost in the flicker of the flame, destruction and beauty at my fingertips. Criminal evidence was set for incineration when there was a roar from above. "Hey! Put that gorram thing out!"

Thunderous boot steps pounded down the stairs, and in an instant, a spiral of smoke replaced my orange-blue friend. Angry Jayne-face appeared as the drift cleared. "Fool, girl! Ya lookin' ta git us all killed?" My deadly counterpart snapped at me as he twisted the remaining matches from my grasp. His uncontained, brilliant fury a pleasant new distraction. Just like fire, he burns.

He glared at me, scorching blue ice. "Well? Ya gonna tell me why yer playin' wit flammables er do I need ta go git Mal?"

"Wasn't playing. Not a child." I reasoned, as I looked to the pile of journals at my feet. "She had a purpose. I'm nothing."

He looked down at the stack of books realizing my intention and shook his head disapprovingly. "Oh, yer somethin', alright. Big nut bag o' trouble is what. Don't ruttin' understand how ya can be all coherent one minute, talkin' yer fancy talk, and the next, lightin' up bonfires next ta the gorram oxygen tanks."

Turning towards the space suits I anxiously bit my nails and wondered how I could have overlooked such a crucial element. "Didn't know." I muttered, feeling all the more foolish, like a shrinking girl.

I knelt down and fumbled through the journals and looked up at my disciplinarian, trying to explain. "Just wanted to be free. Liberated from the bounds that tie me to her. But it doesn't matter. We're the same. Damaged and forever broken."

The merc was quiet, like he didn't know what to do with my profession. Then he spoke, contemplation written on his face. "How's burnin' a bunch o' books gonna make you anymore right in the head?"

"I told lies." I whispered conspiratorially. "Falsified my reality. We made love."

"Whaa…'cuse me?" He choked on his words.

I picked up my most recent dairy and flipped a couple months back. "See here on the 2nd of December, last year. You helped me find myself in the physical. Showed me where lips and hands go for maximum satisfaction."

"I did?" The bamboozled man tried to place the experience before realizing its nonexistence. "Hell no, girl! I ain't ever laid a finger on yer scrawny hide."

"I know." I admitted in defeat, my head hung in shame. "Some of it truths, some fabrication. Was hoping that one was factual."

Jayne looked down at me, scratching his head like a monkey. An untrained ape. "You sayin'…you want me ta sex ya up?" The words came out of his mouth like he could hardly believe their validity.

I looked down at my little body, knowing the idea sounded ridiculous to him. "Scrawny. You said I'm scrawny. That's unappealing to you." I stood up, suddenly unable to meet his eyes, the revelation tasting ridiculous on my lips.

"Now wait a minute." He tried.

"You see me as defective." I pointed out factually. I turned away from my bronzed god, my fantastical lover, relinquishing to the verity that he would never be mine.

"Where ya going off ta? Girl, come back here!" I barely heard him call after me with a hint of desperation.

A new found buoyancy accompanied each step away from my unattainable. Perhaps I had found some solace in divulgence. Can move on from fool's paradise and begin anew.

**0400 hrs. **_Pi hua_. Went to retrieve my journals from cargo bay and found that they have been kidnapped.

**0403 hrs. **Odd. Have returned and books are neatly stacked outside of my door. There's a note…

_Destructo girl,_

_Thought you mite ned these back. Stories still not finished. Liked what I red so far, even if it is just a bunch o crazy talk. _

_Don't worry. You ain't as scrawny or waiflike as you used to be. Your kinda like my Derringer, small, but just as effective as Vera when handled proper like._

_P.S. What's a megalomaniac? Am I ape-man?_

_Jayne._


	8. Chapter 8

Chronological order:

_River Tam's Diary Sunday, March 3rd 2517_

_River Tam's Diary IV, Mother-to-Be Sunday May. 2nd 2517_

_River Tam's Diary V, Tarts and Mercenaries Tuesday July 2nd 2517_

_River Tam's Diary III, Bell of the ball Saturday Sept. 23rd _

_River Tam's Diary II, Am wanton sex goddess Tuesday Dec. 2nd 2517 _

_River Tam's Diary V, New Year's Resolutions Monday Jan. 1st 2518_

_River Tam's Diary VII, Truth & lies Wednesday Feb 12th 2518_

_River Tam's Diary VIII, Dreaded V Friday Feb 14th 2518_

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River Tam's Diary

Cupid's victim

Friday Feb 14th 2518

_Hands of blue 0 (V. good sign), Meds 400 lithium (better), fantasies involving faceless new prospects 1, fantasies involving large gruff man that I'm miraculously indifferent to 15 (some habits are harder to break than others)._

The day of customary gift giving and obligatory coupling has arrived. The logic of such a holiday is superfluous and absurd. Asking one to behave and act in such a manner as they normally wouldn't for validation is ridiculous.

Wonder if someone will trample my diffidence with a profession of love and or a small gift?

No. Will be strong and brave through this day. How bad can it be?

**1300 hrs. **So far, today is a disaster. Thousand needle pokes and apple chunks bad. Wonder if I could sleep the remainder of it away? Submerge it in fluffy dreams or gut wrenching nightmares. The paint on the wall is fragmenting.

Ape-man left Serenity in the AM. Suppose even unfeeling barbarians need strike romantic sentiment /strike pleasures of the flesh.

Not that I care. Jayne is an infatuation of the past. Despite his saying I'm as worthy as his favorite weapon, he does not affect me in the least. Nope, not at all. So impervious that I did not even trail him this time. See, making progress.

Kaylee and Inara dressed me in floral print and straightened my hair shiny flat. They say I have a date. His identity will be unbeknownst to me until dreaded hour. Very tense. Hand wringing, eye-twitching nervous.

Have been pacing room anxiously. I'm not ready for this. Oh, god. Candlelit dinner among the masses was intended for the stable and sound of mind. My ineptitude in simple social situations foreshadows disaster.

**2000 hrs. **Sitting alone in eating establishment, silent among the affectionate mummers. Feel incongruous. I'm not this girl. This painted doll; prettied up and sold to the nameless. If Simon knew he'd choke on his candy hearts.

**2035 hrs. **Observing V. day ritualistic practices while waiting for romantic suitor. Yuck. Wish I had a crossbow.

**2047 hrs**. Grown accustom to my surroundings.

**2050 hrs. **Bored. Oooh! Candle wax…

**2055 hrs. **Bored again. Waiting for more wax to liquefy.

**2102 hrs. **The waiter has just come by and informed me to desist in making sand art with salt and pepper. Humph!

**2120 hrs. **Will just rest a little.

**2132 hrs. **Startled awake by deep manly voice, I looked to my right to find butter in hair (nice) before looking across to source of familiar rumble. Hands, rather large, were causally folded inches away from my face. Like a package slowly opened, my eyes journeyed up over a select brownish-black suit, to a poorly corresponding tie to reveal my new lover's identity…oh god.

"Dontchya know you ain't suppose ta nap at these uppity joints?" A person resembling Jayne (clone, hybrid?) said playfully. Well-dressed alien being was staring down from above with a look of sheer amusement. Am hallucinating. That must be it.

"Did ya order yet?" said figment of imagination while seating himself, immediately proceeding to gorge himself on bread chunks, and smiling haughtily at me through mouthfuls. "You jus' gonna keep starin', er we gonna get us some grub?" Um. Feeds like real Jayne.

Breathe River. Can work out impossibility of situation later. Form words now, panic and exist in state of euphoria later. "You're late. 92 minutes and 38 seconds." I said stoically. Hmmm. That sounded rather composed.

"Yeah, took ruttin' forever ta find something' decent ta fit." He responded casually, observing for the first time my handcrafted wax shaped hearts dotting the table linens. "Thought it'd be someone else, didntya?" He smirked.

Suddenly am mute and only able to nod as response.

Waving his hand at me, he took a huge gulp of ice water, a slight trickle escaping past his lips. "Yeah, figured after, ya know, reading' all that stuff ya wrote, this would make yer day."

Huh. Looks V. pleased with himself. Manner is becoming somewhat irritating. "Make my day?" I reiterated curiously.

"Yep." He confirmed, smiling widely. "Since ya have a big ole crush on me."

Suddenly I felt intensely mortified.

"No need ta hide behind the menu, girl. S'alright."

"My cheeks are burning. You can't look at me." I admonished from behind my laminated shield. "That right?" I heard him boast, his smile loud.

After a moment of awkward silence, I casually peeked my face out, wary of smug-face's intentions. He looked at me musingly. "Damn, yer pinker then a tomato, crazy." Taking another swig from his water, he then arched a puffed-up eyebrow at me. " Fer someone puttin' on so shy, ya sure write some sinful things. If I hadn't known better…"

"You shouldn't have read it." I cut him off. My skin was on fire, heated with embarrassment and annoyance. "They weren't for your eyes to see. And, tomatoes are red." The man was unfazed, practically dripping with arrogance. "Hell, little killer, we already made it, thought I might see how it went down."

"You're making fun of me." I confirmed sulkily, feeling my anger begin to rise beyond control. "This is all a big joke to you!"

Jayne looked around shiftily and then leaned in, abruptly becoming cross with me, taking no accountably for triggering my fury. "Hush up, dippy. Yer makin' a scene!"

I leaned in closer, unable to stop the words. "Stab me with invectives. Stain my skin the color of blood and you expect compliance?"

"No, jus' expect ya not ta holler like a freak over something so gorram small." He growled.

"Small?" I guffawed. "Insignificant. Unimportant. That is what I am to you." I hissed, mostly upset that dinner date was really disguised ego pat for cocky mercenary and not answer to girlish dreams.

The waiter who was already unimpressed with my antics interrupted our spat with a look of utter sternness. "Miss, Sir. I am going to have to ask you to kindly leave. You are causing a disturbance."

I ignored him, a crazed girl on a mission. "Wish it had been someone else tonight." I said through clenched teeth, giving Jayne my best glare. He matched it with equal intensity as he stood. We were like two animals before death fight. Then, he was grabbing my hand and pulling me forcefully out of my seat and along with him out of the restaurant.

If my blood hadn't been boiling at near explosive temperatures, perhaps I would have noticed long after we exited that he was still holding onto my hand.

3,795 strides and 40, 956 thunderous heartbeats long to be exact.


End file.
